Post by Drachestahl on Apr 30, 2005 15:16:15 GMT -5
1) I Swear I'm Normal
I swear I’m normal
And it’s okay
I know that loads of people feel this way
Loads of people scar themselves
And want to become someone else
Someone who has worth in this world
Like a celebrity that they think they know well
It’s normal that I cry at my faults
And that I pity and loathe myself
And hurt myself and scar myself
And scar myself and fuck myself up
And kill myself from the inside out
Because everybody’s doing it.
We eat and regurgitate and cud
Our emotions until they taste of bile,
A taste so sweet for it’s so vile
I won’t worry you
Get on with your own life
I won’t make you think for me
Get on with your own life
I won’t tell you my suicide note
Get on with your own life
I won’t give you my latest scar count
Get on with your own life
That has meaning
He might help me
She might help me
They might help me
Will I help me?
Can I ever help me?
Should I ever help me?
Do I ever help me?
Parasuicide,
I want to numb for now, not forever
But if forever, I’m weak, a hypocrite
And far too dead to ever go back
Parasuicidal failure
A wreak, a machine, unlovable,
A waste, un-recyclable, un-resourceful
Burning trees in their forests, in millions
I won’t worry you
Get on with your own life
I won’t make you think for me
Get on with your own life
I won’t tell you my suicide note
Get on with your own life
I won’t give you my latest scar count
Get on with your own life
That has meaning
The sky is bleak like it always is
And a million people and I frolic in its rainfall
Frolic like machines
Not really carefree, not really caring
Not really thinking, not really seeing
All we can see is the lack of brightness
We are alone
And we’re normal
I swear we are.
So,
I won’t worry you
Get on with your own life
I won’t make you think for me
Get on with your own life
I won’t tell you my suicide note
Get on with your own life
I won’t give you my latest scar count
Get on with your own life
That has meaning.
They don’t know me so I trust them well
I don’t know them so I trust them well
They don’t trust me but who gives a fuck?
No-one’s gonna die
From me,
For me,
Except me
And I swear I’m normal
I’m not okay but I’m normal
And I’m so normal because I
Don’t
Really
Want
To
Die.
Not forever, anyway.
I know that loads of people feel this way
Loads of people scar themselves
And want to become someone else
Someone who has worth in this world
Like the person they know who can help,
Help them.
And the helper don’t know a thing
Except for optimistic living
And feelings.
And maybe both ways a scar feels like
And maybe ways that both scars feel like.
I won’t bother them.
After all,
Like I say
I won’t worry you
Get on with your own life
I won’t make you think for me
Get on with your own life
I won’t tell you my suicide note
Get on with your own life
I won’t give you my latest scar count
Get on with your own life
That has meaning
Emotional masochist
Asking for it
I can only see it as
Self-punishment, not reward
And anyway
It’s not like you really care
How can you really care?
It defies the rules of logic that I wrote.
That I wrote.
I wrote.
Me.
2) Phlegm, Purr And Smile
First verse inspired by Rammstein
I don’t feel like touching myself over you
I’d never get naked for you
I’d rather do it with animals than with you
Sick narcissistic pervert
Jealous at lack of affection
“Too close” you said
To make me guilty
But who’s guilty now?
That’s what I still wonder.
You left me confused bitch
As if you’d give a fuck.
You don’t have to, anyway.
Do you even fucking care that my heart burns each day?
Would you even care if I died over you?
Naked in a bath, wrists bleeding
You’d like that, wouldn’t you?
Here I am now, confused
Did I do wrong to not refuse?
I know you did wrong, since you knew my age
How I was naïve
Oh how you love the naïve
If I were naïve again
You’d like that wouldn’t you?
Would you be a masochist, just for me?
Please don’t.
Did you know I have a fetish for barbed wire
Around your neck?
To here the desperate gasp
For your last breath?
And for the salty pre-death blood…
Yes.
That thought makes me feel how it did when you committed the crime
All but special, all but loved.
You’d be laughing at my words
And I’ll be crying for death
And how you’d laugh more.
3/5/053)The Other Goddess
She puts the knife on my arm
And cuts deeply until her sister runs away
I love and hate her for it.
She says,
I’ll make you a better person,
So I let her blindfold and lead me.
She whispers pessimistic into my ears
And tries to kill her sister away,
Saying she lies.
She says,
Only I know the way,
So I allowed her to control me.
She squeezes my lungs and brain
And scares away all her sisters,
Becoming the most powerful one of all.
She says,
I’m cruel because I’m kind
And you deserve to love and not be loved back
So love me, depend on me, don’t hold back.
4) Untitled
I would have died for you.
I could have died for you.
You could have killed me for you.
I thought I was special to you.
You spoke like a rose petal
So deep, so loving, so cliché
So beautiful, and underneath
You were lying.
So many lies; all the same,
All so sharp and piercing
That you told too to other people.
You liked to tie me down,
See me struggle,
And you would like to hurt me. I would have let you,
With placebo anaesthetic in my lungs.
You raped after you fucked.
Emotionally sadistic.
Now I want to hurt you.
I want you to cry,
I want you to bleed,
Like you didn’t care if that happened to me.
The pain is here still
Because when you raped,
You didn’t have the heart to kill.
Do you still hunt for the same thrill?
I carry a piece of you with me,
It’s taking over my mind.
Maybe it was me all along.
Maybe I needed your pain to discover me.
Maybe trapped is the same as free
Maybe there are no answers that can be found.
Maybe reasoning is overrated, and I’m just obsessed and desperate.
The rose is wilting in my mind.
The thorn is blunt, but still embedded.
How I wish I knew how to destroy it.
16/5/05 5) Happitarianist
Once she said, and I was with her at the time,
That’s so stupid.
How could they do that?
And I agreed. But back then, we never completely
Understood
She thought all clichés where lies.
But now she knows, all clichés are true.
Now we all know what we don’t want to know.
Now I stand a few feet from her side,
Watching as she is eaten up.
Like all the people she swore she would never become.
(I hide, hoping she doesn't come too close.)
And she complains about everything, but never the pain in her arms.
(She likes the pain there, for the first couple of
Minutes. Or first few.)
I stay quiet. I don’t want to admit anything.
I have to admire her. Keeping herself alive with the
Guilt
That’s making her want to die.
(Maybe I could say, “Thank you so much A.S.LaVey.”)
She has to read that book again so that she can understand.
I try to make up my own religion.
Fuck it.
Lets all die now.
Lets burn all the books. Yes, even the
Purple-brown ones.
Believe me, it will make you happy in the end.
Or maybe you’d rather bend the rules and stay in the game.
Either way…
As long as you’re happy as well as correct.
18/56) I Watch You Walk
Yes, this is about a real person.
I watch you walk.
I only watch you walk away.
I’d die if you spotted me.
Punching my heart into a bruise.
I watch you walk.
I watch you walk away.
The ground is grey, hard, warm.
It’s been so sunny lately,
But it often feels cold.
I’d even walk from the shade to watch you,
Watch you walk away.
One of these days I’ll walk away,
Walking right behind you.
It’s been so sunny lately,
I wish it were windy.
I love the wind upon my face,
And I’d love to see your leather jacket billow behind you,
And I’d love to see you shake your hair from your eyes,
Over and over.
I love to see you,
Punching my heart into a bruise.
Matrix man.
Dominatrix man.
Hurting me where I need it.
I’d die if you spotted me,
Looking at you,
While I punch my heart into a bruise.
Sorry I cried, sorry I screamed.
It was all…for…
I don’t know anymore.
Crying, screaming,
Because I can only watch you,
Watch you, when you walk
Away.
I want to own the world,
And all I want
Is some care.
Care for me,
Nurse my bruises.
27/57) Infamous Play
And so, once again
We re-tell the tale
Of an obsessive crush
Which consumes an insecure girl.
We’ll just run through the main story
So that no-body gets any more bored
Than expected.
Lets watch the infamous play!
See the young girl walk on stage in school uniform
With semi-pleated grey skirt and black tights
And white blouse crowned with a “peanut” tie
Naked face, save for a few spots.
See the year 12 student, walking through
Now he exits.
And hear her whisper, “My heart is falling for you.”
Yes, cute, isn’t it? If unintelligently so.
See them, a year later
See the girl wearing…shock! Eyeliner!
And maybe even a little mascara.
See him walk through again.
Hear her scream!
Watch her run away.
(Feeling stupid. But excited.)
A few days later,
She types out her final draft,
Prints it out on clean white paper.
Makes up a new phrase,
“I stab my heart but can’t bear to watch it bleed
Or else it just hurts more
(If I look away, I can almost ignore or pretend.”)
Re-reads the “blood” upon the paper.
Folds it up.
Leaves it in the hands of another.
“I know you hate me
I just want you to understand
That I don’t hate you, but I know
That you hate me. I also know
That I’m a stupid bitch.
I’ve written so many letters before this
And none of them seemed quite right
But this is as good as I can get.
Here’s my e-mail address
If you, for some strange reason,
Care.”
And she waits.
The next day
See! She is exhilarated as she learns
Her Crush read the letter in computer class.
But later, she thinks,
He must have smirked.
He hasn’t e-mailed me.
She runs across the playground
In some strange fit of despair
And soon, the crying begins
“Oh! I cry about stupid things!”
And see her cut her arm
In the cubicles,
Yes, self harm.
And she made some old friends new today
But still, of course, She must self-harm.
Well! Didn’t you enjoy this play?
You just can’t wait to get away.
This play, infamous story
Of a day in the life of a little school-girl
Who hates herself
And self-harms
And…isn’t this all a bit wrong?
Isn’t it all a bit cliché?
Oh well. Expression itself pays.
8) I lay awake...
....and thought of you
And began speaking to myself
I hoped that I would hear me
And try to sort myself out.
I’ve been like this for quite a while
Ever since you went away
I wondered if you were alive
And if you felt okay.
You might think that I don’t care
Or maybe it’s you that doesn’t.
Maybe you don’t know what to do
Or maybe you’ve forgotten.
I can’t believe this happened
And it’s all because of you
Finally I’ve found the reason
For all that I’ve been though.
Now Linkin Park and MCR
Is music for me to cry to,
That’s because their loneliness and death
Reminded me of how I felt about you.
About you, whose arms I cut
Upon my once virgin skin
Because I only wanted to ease the pain
That I felt from within.
My own words, they make me retch
This cliché that is my life
And maybe it will be saved
Because I resorted to the knife.
I cut myself for you,
I cried myself to sleep
But in the end, it’s only me,
The reason I bleed and weep.
9) Destroyed
Probably good for a EBM song...?
Eye is caught
Heart is stabbed
Pulled down by the hair
Raped until mad
Eye was caught
Heart was stabbed
Pain like never before
Gone mad
Does to itself
Does for itself
Crawls in the void
And screams
Crawls in the rut
And screams.
28/510) I want to die (I think.)
If they cared, they would let me go
If they cared it would make them happy
If they cared it would be a favour
If they cared things might have been different
This is all consuming,
I swear my heart is actually aching
No-body cares so why should I?
The walls I built are moving in
It’s crushing, suffocating, light is fading,
All consuming.
Am I dying?
No, I’m not dying
Not dying yet
I should keep on trying
To clear my head
Or maybe this fog
Will never go away
I WANT HIM TO CARE
I WANT THEM TO PAY
My God has left me so I can’t pray
My God got sick and went away
I just want what I don’t deserve
Hell, I don’t know what I want anymore
The line has blurred, if it clears
Sanity will be a lot more near.
The walls I built, they’re closing in
Crushing, suffocating, light is fading,
I can’t get out, it is consuming
I want to die (I think.)
11) Cut Away
There’s something under my skin…
It hurts. I think it’s infected.
I need to get rid of it
Before it bursts and spreads.
Get it away, far from here
I need to bury it underground
And forget about it.
I need to cut it out.
How did it get there...?
Maybe there was a tiny scratch
And it became infected.
Maybe I just slammed hard into something
And it became ruptured.
Maybe I took too much notice
(Or not enough?) of some small aperture.
Maybe it’s fatal.
I’ve forgotten how things were before
And I often wonder if I’ll be okay anymore
I want to feel anything else,
So I scratch at this sore, this damaged thing,
Under my skin
I don’t care if it’s still there
As long as it doesn’t bother me anymore.
I just want to forget.
The infection,
It rotted everything away
Now there’s a void where it started
It’s spreading,
This tumour is here to stay.
I try in vain to cut it away.
Am I still in pain?
Please, please,
There is no one I can let diagnose me.
29/512) Feel So Good
Wow...the closest thing I've ever got to a feel-good poem...amazing...and scary...
Right now I think I feel everything there is to feel,
And it feels so good, and at the same time, so real
I want to and I’m going to feel like this forever
And ever and ever and ever and ever.
Nothing’s going to stop me
I have nothing to worry about right now
And I am so carefree
I actually feel…happy
This is all I need to feel, and it feels so good
To know that I’m going to enjoy living
And that I don’t have to give a fuck.
Fuck him, fuck him and fuck him too
(Oh the irony!)
I don’t need to kill
And I don’t need hurt
And I don’t need to cry
Or do anything at all
Because right now, I feel so good.
All I need is me, there are no voices in my head
I’m here, so happy, just plain sitting on my bed.
This will last forever…
31/513) Bring You Down
Yet another dark slice of my heart. Heh. More of a song than a poem.
Well look down here at me, I’m down in this pit
Can’t be bothered to crawl out
‘Cause I know I’ll slip
Either way either way I wanna leave here and get away
I’m only pushing everyone who loves me away
And I am so alone, sometimes I cry
I wanna drag you down here to watch me die.
Come down with me, high-ego scum
Come down with me, Mister Number One
It may be dark and damp and hopeless,
But it isn’t so bad here with some-body else to suffer with.
I know that you don’t love me but that’s almost okay,
I don’t think I deserve to be loved anyway
And if you don’t want know me any better, well
Just walk right on ahead, since you don’t want to sell
Your soul to me while the line is blurred between
Limbo and Hell.
Come down with me, arrogant sod
Come down with me, demi-demi-God
It may be dark and damp and hopeless,
But it isn’t so bad here with some-body else to suffer with.
Do you want to know my fantasy?
Well it may seems sorta strange but I just want you to see,
My hate for myself is to achieve what I want to be,
And when I become perfect it’ll just be you and me.
However, you look down at me into this rut still,
And it doesn’t quench my thirst to hurt and kill.
You may seem tall above me but I want to hunt you down,
I want to knock you down because I want you mine.
You’re so imperfect and yet you’re so damn fine,
I want to kill you, I want to hear your struggled breath,
I may just be a fanta-sadist, but I can get more real than that.
Do you see I’m emotionally a border-line control-freak?
I want to swap our roles; I’ll be strong and you’ll be weak.
Please?
Come down with me, fucker who doesn’t care
Come down with me, fairest of the unfair
It’s so dark and damp and hopeless,
Kill me and pretend I didn’t want it this way.
I am twisted, the world is warped
Whatever you say, say I’m almost okay.
1/614) Destroy Me
Written in the early hours of the morning, tried, drunk and self hating.
Perfect. Great.
This is self-hate.
This world isn’t for me to create.
Like all others I die in my fate
And eat the apples, both poisoned and banned.
And stay from bed for as long as I can.
I often knew what I wanted and never what I got
Your faith in me starts to rot
So fucking sorry that I never cared enough.
I pretended to pretend that I was fake
I’m drunk so maybe later today I’ll get a headache.
And I hope I’ll be thinking of you in that state.
The stupid, left to their own-selves will die
So I think you can leave me if you try
And then you can tend to yourself only
Since you have more everything than me
And stuck in the dark it’s only my mind that I can see
And all I know is that I think I’m really fucking sorry.
Are you crying, did you cry and did you feel upset?
All this shame is something I shouldn’t forget
Contradictory minds, I’m confused as yet.
6/815) Brought Upon Yourself
Written to myself after a particularaly bad bout of self-loathing.
Shut up and stop crying.
Don’t day what you don’t mean
‘Cause I’m sick of all the lying.
Don’t you dare complain,
I thought that you liked pain.
I thought that you liked pain.
I thought that you liked pain.
I thought that you liked pain.
I’ll stab a hole in your chest
And rape you there, rape you hard.
I’ll stab a hole in your chest
And rape you over and over until you pass out.
I will consume you.
I’ll push you to your limit
And make you want to die
But I’ll make you feel too guilty to say goodbye.
You brought this upon yourself,
I can’t forgive you now.
I’ll stab a hole in your chest
And rape you there, rape you hard.
I’ll stab a hole in your chest
And rape you over and over until you pass out.
I will consume you.
I will consume you.
I WILL CONSUME YOU.
Just reap what you sow
Accept that you’re stupid
And learn to know.
I can’t forgive you now,
Who should, and how?
I’ll grown on you like this,
It’s addictive but you don’t want it.
I’ll press your mind all day
And never go away.
You’re life is in hell
And you brought it upon yourself.
Yes, it’s your entire fault,
So burn in these flames of guilt.
I’ll stab a hole in your chest
And rape you there, rape you hard.
I’ll stab a hole in your chest
And rape you over and over until you pass out.
I will consume you.
I’ll stab a hole in your chest
And rape you there, rape you hard.
I’ll stab a hole in your chest
And rape you over and over.
I hope you choke on your own vomit when you pass out.
10/616) What I Never Wanted
Yeah, a shameless I-hate-my-parents song. Some verses inspired by NIN.
Really, I don’t care what you say
You can’t understand me, and anyway,
You’re difficult to talk to about anything.
You just complain about your own lives and every-body else
While I have nothing to complain about, except myself.
You think that by creating me,
And by providing for me,
And by punishing me,
You show that you care,
But life is just not fair
And no, I’m not living with it.
I don’t care if it’s self-destructive,
If it’s wrong, and you don’t think
That it helps me to live.
You don’t think about me, or much of anything.
You don’t think about how I’m living,
Or feeling, or seeing.
All you think of is my physical SCARRING.
You don’t see it stops me dying.
And you think you know EVERYTHING.
So fuck you.
If it feels good, I’ll do it.
Self-indulgence is the key,
And I’ll fly even if I’m not free.
Sharp, shiny and clear to me
Wings break if you try to fly when you’re
Not free
And I’ll be floored if I want to be,
Because it suits me so well.
I don’t like you in my face,
That’s why I hide under the duvet,
And it makes me feel better, so I’ll do it.
An inquisition of the same questions,
Why, and What, and When.
I think,
Why are you doing this to me?
What makes you think you’re making me feel better?
When will you go?
Stop trying to rip me open,
I’ll open up when it doesn’t hurt so.
I tell you I used a kitchen knife.
Stupid.
They’re too blunt to scar me for life.
You think I’m wrong about myself
Well I’m just plain WRONG.
I’ll write the songs that you’ll never see.
You don’t realise this isn’t what I wanted to be
It’s what I feel I deserve
And I hope it’s too late for me.
I am planning to hurt you like I could never imagine,
And never answer your inquisition.
Maybe when I’m done,
You won’t even bother asking.
I don’t want to go that far, really.
The perfect things never last forever.
Sharp, shiny and clear to me
Wings break if you try to fly when you’re
Not free
And I’ll be floored if I want to be,
Because it suits me so well.
What have I become, my once sweetest friend?
It feels like when any one goes,
I’m closer to my end.
This is the part where I get confused,
Watching myself from the outside,
Trying to self-assess, with no rest.
I keep myself awake, asking myself questions
I need to know everything.
I will let you down, like you did me,
As it’s selfish to conceive,
And it will hurt like the Hell that is life.
Hurt more than the bliss that is skin to knife.
Hurt like breaking my wings.
